Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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