11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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