I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
