Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
