My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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