He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
