my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think my moral compass just broke
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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