my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
