hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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