This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
God I need to hump something, right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
