You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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