I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
