there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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