look no pants
grandma shit on top of the toilet
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
