Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
