The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
