last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
