You can't motorboat a personality
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
