i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
