Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
