Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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