just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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