Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
