i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
