my sisters under your porch take her home
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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