they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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