Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
