The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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