I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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