If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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