Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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