i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.