How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems