you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Man Helps Gorilla Find His Next Tinder Date
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Women Confess The Weirdest Things Men Wanted From Them
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join