He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.