Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
