the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
