I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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