Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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