There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
