the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
