How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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