i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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