I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
