he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
