Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
