Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
