"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're like the curious george of whores
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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