Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
