So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
