You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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