I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
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I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes