Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet