Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
