i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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