He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
