Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
