I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
