We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
