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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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