Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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