Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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