So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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